SPOKANE, WA — Citing a lack of meaningful connection and overwhelming technical glitches, local grandson Mick Tillerman navigated layers of digital red tape to cancel his subscription to GrannyGPT, an online service that provides an Ai-powered version of loved ones, mere minutes before his 7-day free trial expired.

WASHINGTON — Following months of familiarizing herself with the agencies and personnel that she oversees, Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard said in her assessment of the nation’s intelligence apparatus that coming into the job, she expected it to have access to way better crystals.

PALM BEACH, FL — As part of his project to overhaul and eliminate vast swaths of the federal government, a move expected to hobble the economy and force “temporary hardships” on the country, billionaire Elon Musk has introduced a line of belt-tightening robots suitable for nearly every American household.

NEW YORK — Claiming that he’d really like to get rid of them today but doesn’t necessarily have to, golf course manager Donald Trump offered what he said was the lowest possible price he could on the two large speakers in the back of his van.

INDIANAPOLIS — Officials with the U.S. Justice Department filed an indictment on Thursday alleging that Pat McAfee, the popular ESPN host and podcaster, has for years been the target of a covert influence campaign by the nation of Brosylvania to promote “Bro-positive” content.

WASHINGTON — By a 7-2 decision, the Supreme Court ruled on Tuesday that dying in a fiery explosion caused by the shoddy design and flimsy construction of a Tesla Cybertruck would actually be a pretty cool way to go out.