Tulsi Gabbard Thought U.S. Intelligence Apparatus Would Have Access To Way Better Crystals

WASHINGTON — Following months of familiarizing herself with the agencies and personnel that she oversees, Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard said in her assessment of the nation’s intelligence apparatus that coming into the job, she expected it to have access to way better crystals.

“After a thorough review of the relevant organizations and data, I am frankly stunned by the intelligence community’s lack of really cool crystals that we can use for psychic protection, grounding ourselves to Mother Earth, or to unlock higher consciousness,” Gabbard said. “It’s no wonder that this country’s chakra is so wildly misaligned.”

Gabbard said she has made it her priority to get to the bottom of how U.S. spy agencies fell so far behind the rest of the world when it came to the acquisition and utilization of crystals such as amethyst, labradorite, and black tourmaline.

“While the Biden administration was focused on woke policies and DEI, our intelligence establishment was ignoring basic facts,” Gabbard said. “Like how each individual crystal holds energy and releases it through its own unique frequency. The entire country has suffered as a result.”

Crystals have been used across cultures for thousands of years in healing practices and meditation, and Gabbard expects the nation’s spy community to embrace them.

“These are ancient tools provided to us by the Earth that we can use to balance our energy, raise our vibration, and attract unconditional love,” she said. “And the Democrats continue to push an agenda of hidden microphones, asset cultivation, and advanced decryption algorithms.”

In an unprecedented show of inter-agency cooperation, Gabbard said she would be working closely with HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. on the implementation of crystals across the federal government, and that details of that initiative would be released after they both attend the same Reiki retreat next weekend.